Why I Follow....

My best friend since I was 8, Miss CD, challenged me via Facebook (so this will be shared there as well), to explain why I love Jesus.

It could be very simple - pastor's daughter, pastor's wife, grew up in the church.....
But that's kind of the easy way out.
So hold on, because this will be a bit of a read.  Got your coffee (or, you know, pepsi)? Ok, let's go.

First, to really understand why someone follows Jesus, why they love God the way they do, you have to understand where they come from.

I'm kind of controlling. I like to make sure things are done just a certain way, the way I want it done. And so that makes me a tiny bit of a perfectionist, but not really, because I don't always care enough to make everything perfect (confused yet? So am I). Controlling. Check.
And I really want everyone to like what I do and approve of me and be amazed by the events I plan. Needy. Check.
And my family is the most important thing in my life. If I let them down, I've let everyone down.  I need their love and affection, I need to support them (so that someone needs me), and I need to make sure things are done just right just for them. Which means if I feel like I've failed, that I've disappointing them, well, that's pretty much the depths of failure right there. Disappointing my family (especially my dad and husband).
Loyal and hovering and scared of failure? Check, check, check.

Mr. Curly recently informed me my life was ruled by fear.  Yep, fear that I will fail and disappoint him.  Fear that I won't be a good enough wife, a good enough mom, a good enough help mate or church worker or supporter.....

I read a sign once that said "Anxiety (or depression or a nervous break down or something like that) isn't a sign of being too weak, but rather having been strong too long."
I get that. I get being to the point where you're stretched too thin that you just can't take one more single thing.

A year ago I started taking celexa for anxiety and panic attacks.  I was having panic attacks at absolutely random and increasingly frequent times. Putting my kids to bed? Panic attack. Traffic jam on a trip? Panic attack. Crowded restaurant? Panic attack. Walking through Walmart? Panic attack.
Mr. Curly figured out pretty quick that giving me a little bit of control (letting me drive through the traffic jam, pass out the food in a crowded place or just make a decision without asking anyone) could at least slow down the descent into hyperventilation.
But then it got to where it physically hurt to hug my kids. And I was sad all the time.  Just blah. Just no desire to even try because I was going to fail. I couldn't control all the stressful things around me, so why even try? And why was everybody wanting to talk so loud and touch me all the time?!?!
So I went and saw my doctor and got a little pill.

Things got better pretty fast. (For those who care, I'm now on a 'weaning off the pill' regime, we'll see how it goes).

But that is me. Controlling, anxious, needy, dependent on family, and yeah, sometimes my sense of humor can lean towards the stupid (but that's not such a bad thing).

I've always known Jesus. I don't remember being saved, I just always followed Jesus. I do remember at 17 realizing that I had to have my own personal relationship with Christ, that I needed to say it, that I needed to make it real, and not rely on my parents faith anymore.
It was a huge step, even for a goody-two-shoes who had always known Christ.

I've made mistakes. Too many to count. I made some big ones this morning.
I've blamed God for things that were my fault. I've doubted He knew what He was doing.
I've hurt people.

But Jesus loves me anyway.
He gives me peace when I seek Him.
He gives me chances to try again, instead of saying "Sorry, you've messed up too much, just let me do it."
In fact, when I ask for forgiveness for stumbling in sin, He forgets it ever happened.
You can disappoint God, I've done it. But when I confess, He forgets it. Clean slate, new chance. No more disappointment, or anything to live down.

Starting at age 17 my favorite verse has been 1 Kings 3:9 "Give your servant a discerning heart... to distinguish between right and wrong."
For the past year I've been memorizing, and teaching my children, Philippians 4:4-9
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: rejoice. Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, bring your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Life is not easy. Christ came to bring us life more abundant - as I've said before, higher highs, lower lows.  Life gets pretty low sometime. I know. I've been there. In fact, this morning was a pretty low point and I'm not out of it yet. But I know that no matter how low I go, Jesus has been in the depths of hell and has risen to the heights of heaven. He has conquered all. And if He is with me in the depths, He will raise me up to the heights.
I ran across this verse this morning, Haggai: 2:4-5 (condensed, which means, I cut some out): Be strong, all you people of the land,' declares the Lord, 'and work. For I am with you,' declares the Lord Almighty. 'My Spirit remains among you. Do not fear.'

God is always with me. Always. Period. There is no time when He is not here, not waiting for me to turn to Him. I have no reason to worry, to be anxious. The anxiety I face is a chemical imbalance that needs some help. It's a body thing. But in my spirit, in my soul, I can rest calmly in God's hands, knowing no matter what I do, He forgives, He forgets. He loves.

And that's why I love Him.

My personal vice

There are 2 things you should know about me if you already don't:
1) I'm an emotional eater.  Happy? Let's celebrate with food!  Sad? Let's commiserate with food! Angry? I'm going to eat until I'm sick to forget what I'm angry about.
2) Pepsi gets me through anything.  Sleepy days, parties, conversations I don't want to have, long busy days.... and honestly, I just love drinking it while I'm sitting around relaxing.  The bigger the Pepsi, the tougher the day I'm having.  It's my vice.

Everybody has a vice.  Everybody. And if they tell you they don't, they're lying (which might be their vice).
Everybody has something they turn to to cope.

Sometimes its a good thing (exercise, reading, working), sometimes its not so good (eating or drinking too much or things that aren't good for you, beating yourself up mentally).

But what if your vice was God? What if every time you found yourself running low, or struggling to cope, or wanting to celebrate, you turned to God?

The Bible tells us in Philippians 4:6-7 to bring everything to God with thanksgiving and without worry.  And if we do so, His perfect peace will invade our life.

Perfect peace.  Sounds nice, doesn't it?

Why don't we start today? Why don't you join me in making God the personal vice of choice?

It's now or never....tomorrow will be too late

I learned a little lesson about delayed gratification over Thanksgiving break,

I had been saving since June for an ipad. But Black Friday deals convinced me to buy a laptop and use my Apple card for a new phone instead.  Through one thing and another, I ended up with a tablet (which I adore!!).

BUT, I still don't have a new iphone.  Because in order to get the promotional price, I have to be ready for an upgrade, which, won't happen until my birthday this summer.

Yep.  In order to get my "free" phone (because my gift card will just cover the promotional price, and Mr. Curly somehow worked a deal for it in the first place), I have to wait, more, again.

I have to say, I was pretty bummed about it.  But I had just spent my money on a tablet.  And I had only planned on getting one new tech toy - an ipad.  So really, it was ok that I have to wait for my new iphone.  Its okay that I only got what I was saving for.

And this summer, when I not only get a birthday gift, but also a new phone - well, that's going to be awesome!!!

I was watching "Love It or List It" today and one of the couples said "If we can't get what we want right now, lets just go buy something new."

Wow.  Really?  These people were dropping $60,000 on a remodel for a house that they weren't even sure they wanted, for a house they'd rather replace with something new, right now, before the remodel was even completed.

Delayed gratification is not an easy thing.  There have been many times when I've put a purchase on a credit card because I just plain didn't want to wait.  Most the time, I've regretted it when the credit card bill came in!

I have to remind myself, and I have to teach my children, that while Elvis is a legend, he was not always right.  It isn't now or never, tomorrow won't be too late.  Some things are worth waiting for.  And while that may mean keeping a iphone 3GS for another 6 months, or living in a house that is less than perfect while you remodel, in the end, I think it will be worth it.

Post Title from Elvis "It's Now or Never"

And while I'm at delaying gratification, there are only 15 days 'til Christmas!!

Counting Blessings with TobyMac

Do you know the song "Count Your Blessings"?  You can hear Guy Penrod sing it here.

It's a pretty classic song, and a great reminder that we should never forget the things we are thankful for.
I have found an update of that song, at least for me, anyway.  A song that every time I hear it just reminds me of how much God has been with me, and how much I truly have to be thankful for.

Then BE here!

"If you're going to be here, then BE HERE!!" I remember yelling at Mr. Curly after a particularly horrible evening.
He had come home late, brought his computer.  I fixed supper, got it all on the table, and then got up every 2 minutes to get something else, to refill milk cups, to find napkins, to help cut up food.... I really don't remember eating.  And then after supper I cleared everything off the table (with help from the kids who are lovely about putting their plates in the sink). I cleaned up the kitchen mess. I halted Curly Boy 2's diaper change (this shows you how long ago it was) right in the middle to get Curly Boy to the toilet on time, while Curly Girl followed me around with dress up clothes needing help.  All evening all three kids needed ME and ME only ALL at the same time. I bathed the kids, helped them all dress, helped them all brush their teeth, read books, tucked them in.  Found water cups, re-tucked them in.  Found bears, re-tucked them in.  Finally got the dishes done (with interruptions from children who didn't want to sleep.).

All while Mr. Curly sat in his recliner, laptop open, ear buds in.

I was exhausted.  And furious.  And I took it out on my  husband.  And right before I stomped out of the living room to cry on our bed I yelled "You can't just sit on your butt all night playing games on your computer while I do everything.  I need help!  The kids need you!  If you're going to come home and 'be here' then BE HERE!!!"

I was completely exhausted and irrational.  Mr. Curly is a wonderful father, actively involved in our kids lives, always willing to step away from the office when I need help. But he had been particularly busy that week, with a large class to teach, and a new sermon series, and he had brought work home.


That was over a year ago.
I realized this past..... we'll say month, that I've been doing the exact same thing to Mr. Curly and his ministry here, and to God.

I grew up a pastor's kid.  We moved 5 times in the 20 years I was living at home.
I married Mr. Curly never expecting to stay in one place all that long.  When we moved to SD, Mr. Curly had a 15 year plan.  I couldn't foresee us being there more than 5 years.  We moved in 3 years.

So we came here to IA and I LOVE my town.  We have friends and a nice church.  It's the perfect size town to raise a family in.  I really, really don't want to leave it.

But my attic full of boxes says differently.
My reticence to put down roots says differently.
My lack of embracing a ministry at my church says differently.

I've been here, physically.  I've taken advantage of the comforts (fun days out with kids, convenience of shopping, safety of town), without giving anything back.  Without helping in the messy stuff (ministry, volunteering, reaching out, etc.)

If I'm going to be here, then I need to BE HERE.  And God has been telling me, and Mr. Curly that, loud and clear.

And things are going to change.

When you finally face it.....

I've been building a lot of bitterness for about, well, we'll say a year.  Though probably longer, considering statements I've made, it is apparent this bitterness began when the church plant in SD went so horribly wrong.

I have made a good talk.  I've recognized the blessings that have been given to us, in the 3 horrible years in SD, and in the 2.5 years of recuperating/rebuilding we've had here in IA. 
But I didn't really believe that God cared.  Or that He was trying to help.

I mean, seriously, Mr. Curly is working three jobs and we're still slowly siphoning away our savings account (that was our tax return) while our credit card debt goes up because our kids need clothes, or shoes, or, you know, food (and yes, vacations, because we'd honestly go insane if we didn't allow ourselves fun).
I applied for a job, and in the rejection email I got, they stated that they felt my place was in the home, caring for my children.  There were some very sarcastic and angry statements made about that.  I wasn't abandoning my children by applying for a 5 hour a week job - I was trying to make life a little easier for us all.  But obviously, I am not meant to work (yeah, I'm still working on feeling very very unimportant right now).

But Sunday, Mr. Curly had a great sermon.  And he pointed out a couple passages that are changing how I look at things.
The first most important statement he made came from Act 3:19-20 "Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,  and that he may send the Messiah, who has been appointed for you—even Jesus."

I desperately need a time of refreshing.  And it wasn't going to come, sitting at home, railing at God for all the things that I could fix if He would just answer prayers.  (Yep, you read that right).

I ignored the fact that Curly Boy 2 wasn't sitting perfectly still for awhile and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed.  And finally opened up my ears again to hear this:

1 Thessalonians 5:9-11, 24a
For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing....The one who calls you is faithful...

The one who calls you is faithful....

I have never claimed the calling of pastoral ministry.  I have never claimed a calling of pastor's wife, or even Mr. Curly's wife.  I was blessed with Mr. Curly, it is a blessing to be his wife and helpmate, to share his life.  And I've been plenty angry when God hasn't made it easy for Mr. Curly, when it seems his ministry is ignored and even set up for failure.
I don't feel I have a calling in life.

But God did call my husband.  And God is faithful.  The Bible tells me so.

And so, after my prayer, and my repentance, I'm trying to let go of all the old bitterness.  Of the feeling that if I pray for something, the exact opposite will happen.  I have many many examples of this, both large and small, that I am trying desperately not to hold against God, not to drag out and count and point out how I know He doesn't listen.  It is a constant struggle, a constant prayer of mine that I will be able to let the hurt go.

God didn't make us to suffer.  He offered Jesus as full salvation so we can live a glorious life here and now and later on.

It is my prayer that I can change my outlook to only see the glory of God, and not focus on the hardness of life.  And I pray the same for you.

Nostalgia Brings Awareness

I've been struggling lately.

A couple of weeks ago, I hit a real low.  I hate to say depression, depression is such a serious thing, and I hate to throw that term around lightly.  But I couldn't see a whole lot of good in life. 
Now matter how much I desperately searched for light there was none to be found in the darkness I felt within.  I was sad, angry, joyless, hopeless....

And I HATED myself for being that way!

My head knew God loves me, my head remembered all I had been taught about a loving, caring God.
My kids love me, my husband was trying his best to help the crying, angry mess that just days before had been his happy wife.

There are a lot of things to say here, too much to really keep into a single post.

But I will say this.

Saturday night, as I looked up early '90s music on youtube (because you know, Mr. Curly was busy writing a sermon and I was wasting time until I could go to bed) I found Newsboys song "When You Called My Name" from their Going Public album (one of their ABSOLUTE BEST by the way).

And it hit me.  I was really struggling with a calling.  I never wanted to be a pastor's wife.  I knew what pastoral life meant and I did NOT want it for me, or my children, or my husband.  And yet here we are.
I had read some books trying to deal with being a pastor's wife.  They were good, but nothing really hit the nail on the head.

But this old old Newsboys song got it. 

This calling is not what I expected.  And I'm not really sure I'm big enough to take it on.  I'm not even entirely sure what the calling is yet (sad considering my age and stage in life), but whatever it is, it scares me.

But I can already see some light.  And I know God knows me, He knows my struggles and my imperfections, and only asks that I keep trying.

You can read the lyrics here.

This whole worship music thing...

Some of you will remember that it was just recently that I stepped out of the worship ministry at our church.

And yet, I was hit with a thought the other day about worship music that most of you won't care about, but I want to share anyway.

Some of you know of the debate "hymns or praise songs."

Point 1: Hymns ARE praise songs - they are just compiled in a hymnal, and not recently written.

It is rather a silly debate, with either hymns or contemporary praise music you can worship God.  Yes, styles vary, and every one will have their favorite, but

Point 2: No matter your favorite style, you can still learn the other one.  Contemporary music lovers can learn hymns, and hymn lovers can learn contemporary music.

BECAUSE

Point 3: At some point, all this music was new to you.

BECAUSE

Point 4: At some point in time, hymns were contemporary praise music and followed the musical styles of their day.
If you check out the copyright of a hymn, and then research music from that same year, you'll find it sounds very similar to the hymn.  Popular songs sung in 1864, sound like hymns from 1864.  Popular music from the 1940s, sound like hymns from the 1940s.  Popular music from today, sounds like praise music from today.  The only exception in all those statements is the theme.  Worship songs praise God, while popular music doesn't (most the time).

When John & Charles Wesley began writing hymns, they used PUB tunes to get the music, and just changed the words.

Point 5: If the Wesley's can redeem a bar song, than we can use music that doesn't necessarily go "verse, chorus, verse, chorus, verse, chorus."

And I do believe it is as simple as that.  I happen to enjoy a mixture of music.  One of my favorite hymns "Revive Us Again" had its music written in 1815, but the words in 1863.  "Dwelling in Beulah Land" (my youth group's favorite hymn when I was in high school) was written in 1911.  "He Brought Me Out" was written in 1898.  I enjoy all of those.
I also enjoy many Bill Gaither songs that were written in the '70s.  In fact, Mr. Curly sings one of our favorite's "There's Something About that Name" to the kids every night before bed.

And I enjoy the "new" stuff too.  "I'm trading my sorrows" from 1998 and "Indescribable" and "God of Wonders" from 2004.  Chris Augusts' "Starry Night" from 2011 and Afters' "Light up the Sky" from 2010.
Honestly, I missed a lot of new and good praise music for a couple of years simply because of where we lived the radio station was a little behind.  So I'm still playing catch up. 

But while I play catch up, teaching my kids something new, I teach them the classics.  Because all music, new or old, can lead us into worship of our God.

God's Word is God's Word is God's Word

God's Word is God's Word is God's Word.

Final.

No changes.

No matter what society says.

No matter what we feel.

God set it all down, black and white, long ago (how long ago, I don't know, I'm still struggling with the age of the earth things.  Frankly how long ago doesn't matter.  God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, so His word is as well, no matter how old or young it is).

God says to love.
God says to follow His commands.
Which never change.  Just as He never changes.

With all the political mess going around, I feel guilty for not saying anything and guilty for saying something.  How ridiculous is that?!

I am called, BY GOD, to be salt and light.  To shine Jesus' love, to spread the Word of God, to those around me.

So here it is:

• I love you because God loves you.  Period.  Doesn't matter what sort of life you're living - I love you with God's love.
• I will not enable you to keep sinning.  When you talk to me about your sin, I will point it out - IN LOVE.
• I will not back peddle on my belief in God's word.  What He says is what goes.  If He has stated it is wrong, it is wrong.  If He has stated it is good, it is good.

Today my prayer is for boldness.  To stand when I need to stand, to speak when I need to speak.  And Yes, to keep my mouth shut when it will only cause anger and divisiveness.  And to always leave people without a doubt in their minds, that I follow the God of the Bible and all He stands for.

Matthew 13:1-11, 14-15, 18-23

That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake.  Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boart and sat in it, while all the people stood on the shore.  Then he told them many things in parables, saying:

A farmer went our to sow his seed.  As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil.  It sprang up quickly because the soil was shallow.  But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop- a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.  Whoever has ears, let him hear.

The disciples came to him and asked, "Why do you speak to the people in parables?"
He replied "The knowledge of the screts of the kingdom of heaven has been given to you, but not to them.... In them is fulfilled the prohecy of Isaiah:

You will be ever hearing but never understanding;

you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.

For this people's heart has become calloused;

they hadrly hear with their ears,

and they have closed their eyes.

Otherwise they might see with their eyes,

hear with their ears,

undersand with their hearts

and turn, and I would heal them.

Listen to what the parable of the sower means:
When people hear the message about the kingdowm and do not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in their hearts. This is the seed sown along the path.  The seed falling on rocky ground referes to people who hear the word and at once receive it with joy.  But since they have no root, they last only a short time.  When trouble or persectuion comes because of the word, they quickly fall away.  The seed falling among the thorns refers to people who hear the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful.  But the seed falling on good soil refers to people who hear the word and understand it.  They produce a crop, yeilding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown."


My prayer this week:
Be good soil, my friends.  Know the love of Christ, accept His sacrifice, find His joy and peace, root down in Him, so that the word that falls on your heart may produce a crop.

Trusting through disbelief

Last week I wrote about an incredibly untangled, unfrizzy realization God had given me.

Today, I want to write about something I've been ignoring for a long time.  This might be a little long, stick with me.

South Dakota was not an easy place for Mr. Curly and I.  We were dropped there to plant a church without knowing a soul.  Our closest friends and family were 6 plus hours away, and we had a new baby (Curly Girl was just 3 months old).

In the beginning, it was tough, which was to be expected.

It never got easier.  Which was not to be expected.

Lots of things happened to lead up to the night when I denied there was a God.

Yeah.

I sat on the couch with Mr. Curly, both of us in tears with frustration and anger at the way our life was going, and emphatically declared "Well then, there is no God.  Because he certainly isn't here with us now."
And at the moment I uttered it, I meant it wholeheartedly.  We had lost 2 congregations in trying to start the church, we were on government assistance (a blow to my husband's pride), the church planting money was gone (which meant Mr. Curly had been volunteering as a pastor for about a year), I had lost a job which put us behind financially, and though I had found a new one, I was pretty miserable there too. We had 2 children, a growing credit card debt (something we never had until beginning church planting), no savings, no checking account either really, and I'm sure the weather outside was awful.

Where was God?!  He had called us to begin a church - everything had been perfectly clear, the tests passed, the praying earnest, we were supposed to be there.  And yet, things were worse than we could've ever imagined them being.

What hurt me the most was how much the whole experience was damaging my husband.  The on-fire, passionate young preacher who had moved his family to a brand new world was gone.  In his place was a depressed, struggling, young man who had nothing to share with the few people who did come to our Sunday services.
I honestly felt that God had only led us to South Dakota to destroy my husband.  And it didn't really matter what happened to me, and my kids were young enough I knew they'd recover, but I was downright angry, and feeling a lot of hatred towards God, for what was happening to Mr. Curly.

So there was no God.

I went to bed that night with no hope.  There was no hope of recovery for Mr. Curly, no hope of moving to where there was family, because there was no money, no hope of a better life, ever.
What I don't remember is how long I stayed in that feeling of hopelessness.

What I don't remember is when we decided to leave South Dakota.  Was that declaration the beginning of the end?

I do know we kept on with Sunday services.  I do know I kept singing hymns to my kids and praying with them at meals and nighttime.  Just because I didn't believe didn't mean I was to make their lives hopeless as well.  Because I knew God had worked for some people, but he sure wasn't working for us.  I suppose I wanted to give my kids a good shot at it.

Mr. Curly put out resumes for an established church - he was done with church planting.  We got a call for Iowa.
We interviewed the same month I became pregnant with Curly Baby.
We began travelling over the weekends in October to a small church to preach.  6 weeks before Curly Baby was born, I quit my job and we officially moved.

I don't know how it happened, but slowly, from the time of the interview on, God began to heal me.  By the time Curly Baby was born, I was no longer denying God.  I was still leery, but the hope was beginning to blossom, the trust was starting to grow.
After a year of preaching in our little church, I could see the change in Mr. Curly.  His healing had begun, he was excited to preach to people each week.

We've officially lived in Iowa for almost 2 years, we've been ministering here slightly  more than that.
And God has renewed our trust.
We still have remnants of issues to deal with (credit card debt, what was the point of SD?), but my trust in God has been restored.

So when you're in despair, and you talk to me about it, and I say "trust more," please know this isn't a cliche answer.  I'm not being glib.  I've been there.  I understand. 
When you're in despair, and I say "trust more" know that it is ok to tell God you're not sure He exists, that you don't know what you believe, but that you desperately need hope and love and something good in your life.  I've prayed that prayer - a lot.
When you're in despair, and I say "trust more" know that I am praying for you daily, because I know that hopelessness, and I don't wish it on anyone.

I wish I could remember more about how my heart healed.  I don't know how God did it (probably through a lot of people praying for me), but he did. He healed my heart. He healed my relationship with my husband, with my kids, and with Himself.

Because God doesn't want any of us to live a life of hopelessness or a life with no love.  It isn't what he wants.  And I wish I could explain why things go wrong and why bad things happen, but I'm only human, and I will never have all the answers.

But I know, that even in our darkest times, even when we emphatically declare that God does not exist, somewhere outside that darkness, He is there.  And if we trust through our disbelief, even if it is just going through the motions, we will see Him again.

UNTangled

Every once in awhile, with very little reason behind it, God hits me with a self realization moment.

I had one of those Monday afternoon.

Growing up, I was pretty shy.  I mean, once I made friends I was bossy and outspoken, but I really didn't like being shoved into new situations, I hated talking in front of class (in fact, I wrote extra papers in college in order to NOT have to do oral reports), and I never really felt like I fit in.  I was constantly trying to win people's approval in order to just be normal, if not cool.  I sought advice, second guessing almost every decision I made.

And I realized Monday I've been hiding behind that shy, un-confident, 16 year old demeanor for a long, long time. (Ok, a long time, I'm not that old, yet). It has caused me to miss fun opportunities, and has caused stress at past jobs, because I didn't trust my confidence.

I realized 3 things on Monday, that have caused me to step away from a few areas that were, quite frankly, not improving anything in my life, and step towards some that ARE improving my life.

1. I am a good mother.  I am raising (with the help of the wonderful Mr. Curly) healthy, intelligent, inquisitive, funny, responsible, respectful kids.  They are awesome, and doing just fine with me relying on God and my instinct to guide them.
   Do we still have our struggles?  Yes.  Are there still frizzy times when I have no idea what to do with them?  Yes.  But God's grace and mercy pours over us daily, and I can confidently say at the end of (most) days, that I am a good mother, without the input of too many other people.
2. I am a good wife.  Mr. Curly enjoys time with me, we like to laugh together, to experience new and old things together.  I keep his house (comparatively) clean, I put food on the table.  I support my husband and pray for him.  I encourage him as often as possible.  I am trying to be a more silent listening ear (I do have the tendency to tell him how to fix the problems he shares, I'm working on it).  I love my husband to the best of my ability, and while I may falter, I am striving to be the spouse and supporting partner I've been given the opportunity to be.
3. I am a good person/Christian.  I wasn't sure how to phrase this one.  I am by no means perfect.  I stumble almost daily, I fall into nasty attitudes and judgemental phases often.  But I know God.  I know His love for me, I love Him, and that relationship is growing every day.  And I am confident enough in that relationship to know that when I mess up, God's going to tell me about it, because He loves me.  And it doesn't really matter what other people think about how I dress, how I eat, how I raise my kids, as long as I'm following God's instruction for my life.

After Monday afternoon, I felt so delightfully UN-frizzy, untangled, clear and smooth and could see the path ahead of me.
I do not have to be that mousy, scared, little teenager anymore.  I don't have to be that worried, nervous employee.  I am a wife, a mother, a leader in my church, involved in my community, and have close friends on whom I can depend on as a safe source on those days when my human nature gets the better of me.

Yes, frizzy times will come.  Yes, I will probably still second guess myself at times.
But now, now I know, I am ok.  I am confident that I am on the right path, doing the right thing, following My God, and teaching my children to follow Him as well.
And I pray the knowledge sticks with me this time!

Here I Am... waiting

1 Samuel 3:1-11a
The boy Samuel ministered before the Lord under Eli. In those days the word of the Lord was rare; there were not many visions.
One night Eli, whose eyes were becoming so weak that he could barely see, was lying down in his usual place. The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the house of the Lord, where the ark of God was. Then the Lord called Samuel.
Samuel answered, “Here I am.” And he ran to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.”
But Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.” So he went and lay down.

Again the Lord called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.”
“My son,” Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.”

Now Samuel did not yet know the Lord: The word of the Lord had not yet been revealed to him.

A third time the Lord called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.”
Then Eli realized that the Lord was calling the boy.  So Eli told Samuel, “Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, ‘Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.’” So Samuel went and lay down in his place.

The Lord came and stood there, calling as at the other times, “Samuel! Samuel!”
Then Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.”

And the Lord said to Samuel....

Do you ever feel like you're missing something?  That no matter how hard you pray and listen and seek, you never do hear God's voice?

You are not alone.  I have felt like that most my life.  Maybe it just has to do with having a father and then husband called to be pastors.  I've grown up in the church hearing testimonies of "And I heard God speaking to me...."
I just don't hear that.  It feels as if I pray and pray and pray..... and nothing.  I don't feel as if an answer ever comes, I usually just give up and move on and hope I haven't missed the chance of a lifetime. (Some people would say this is God saying no.  And I am fine with God saying no.  Sometimes. Honestly, sometimes I'm ok with that.  But in all honestly, I am NOT ok with a no answer all the time.  And every once in awhile, I'd like a clear no rather than just getting no answer at all.)

Lately my prayers have turned to what my ministry in life needs to be.  Don't get me wrong, I am very happy to stay at home with my Curly Kids, I recognize that immense blessing that God has given us in my ability to be at home. I do not want to discount that in any way.

But lately, I've just felt as if something is missing.  I have some great goals set for this year, and I know those will grow me in ways that will help in the day-to-day raising of my children and managing of my home.  And I know those are very important things, as I stated last Wednesday, it is VERY important to me to raise my children to know our loving and personal God.

But.... there is so much need - and what am I doing besides laundry, dishes, housework, cooking, and teaching/playing with my kids?

A couple of ministries have been brought to my attention, needs to be met in our community, positions to be filled.  But they are big jobs not to be taken on lightly - jobs that I don't want to start and then discover I am completely the wrong person for them.  And so I pray, and....

And I'm trying to have an open heart and mind like the little Samuel.  A faith big enough to merely say "Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening."

What Have We Become?

Does anybody remember the Scott Peterson case?  In 2002 he was accused of murdering his pregnant wife Lacey.
Around the same time I remember reading about a mother who drowned her 5 children in the bathtub.

That's about the time I quit watching the news on a regular basis.

I would read CNN or MSN, I'd listen to the radio.  I did try to keep up on current events, but I refused to bring that sadness and horror into my life every single day.
For the past year or so, I've tried to pay more attention to the world around me.  I attempt to watch the news and read the paper.

It makes me so sad.

Today my brother shared this article from CNN.  It is a mom blogging about why she refuses to teach her children about God.

After reading it, in tears about how truly lost and sad this mother is (I can't imagine living each life with such hopelessness, even though she believes it is a better hope), what keeps going through my head is the old school DC Talk song "What Have We Become."

The response I sent to my brother about this article was this (and you'll have to read the CNN article for this to make sense):

Belief systems don't stay at home like a toothbrush, they are part of us. So my belief in God goes with me wherever I go - it affects everything I do, every day. And her belief that there is nothing goes with her every single day, and effects everything she does every single day.

The news, the blogs I read, the things that happen each and every day, just make me more determined that my children will be raised knowing a loving and personal God.  I am more determined to instill in them a sense of Godliness, contentment and character - because we can't let the world continue in this delusion that there is no love and hope to be found.

Check it out now!

Ok, so you don't really have to check it out RIGHT NOW, but if you're interested in a study of Esther, that is exactly what I'm participating in at Bible In A Year and Beyond!

My blog on Esther 4 posted this morning.  You can read it here.

Ruined in such a good way

So I had this big grand idea that my kids were only going to receive 4 bought gifts this year, plus stocking stuffers, and maybe a few homemade things.
I even got the grandparents in on the deal.

THIS Christmas we were going to teach our kids that Christmas was about JESUS, and NOT about all the gifts.

And then, because of His Great Love, God filled our tree with gifts and our kitchen with food.

The Nazarene church does a wonderful thing.  Within a district (group of churches) a larger church will adopt a smaller church.  The larger church will hold a food pounding, maybe take a special offering, and just do a little treat for the pastor and his family of the smaller church.

Notice I said "little treat."

This year our church was adopted by a larger church, who LAVISHED us.  They didn't just get us a few little things and say Merry Christmas, they went all out.

So now my tree is full of gifts for my children, when I only wanted them to open 4-5 on Christmas day.
Silly me.

It is teaching me such humbleness.  I am so thrilled by how amazing our Christmas morning is going to be for three certain Curly Kids.
And I'm so saddened, because I know families who are in greater need than us, who are farther from family than us....

So I am learning humbleness, realizing that this time, God is using His great blessings to teach me a lesson.

And we're also giving - because we have been given much, we too are giving. We are sharing the blessing as much as possible.  That's a lesson my kids need to learn too.



"Remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas day.... O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy!  O tidings of comfort and joy!

Finding God everywhere.....

So a couple of weeks ago (maybe 3 now) I posted about finding God in the mundane.
Just the next week I went to a LIFT (Ladies In Fellowship Together) meeting that spoke on priorities.  The speaker stated at one point "Nothing we do is mundane.  Doing the dishes is serving your family, which is serving God."

And then I found this book at the library "Surprised by Oxford" by Carolyn Weber.

I was very skeptical at first that a brand new book at my library about finding God - what God did she find?

I was bowled over by this book - it is amazing.  Yes, I love my nook, but I need this one in a paper copy - I want to write all over it and mark passages and use it to tell others about God, use it to further my own book, use it to learn.

So if you're looking to be surprised, to find God everywhere - I highly recommend "Surprised by Oxford" by Carolyn Weber.

And no, I'm not getting anything for this - I just really loved the book!

http://www.surprisedbyoxford.com/

Finding God in the Mundane

There are nights when the dishes are the last thing I want to do.  And there are nights when doing the dishes restores my sanity from a long, unpredictable, tiring day.

Last night the dishes were not only a comforting, familiar thing, but it also gave me time to find God again for the day.  Even though I had listened to 5 chapters of Acts on my paper route, I just was wrapped up in my own head, my own struggles, my own frustrations.  And running hot water and bubbles and cleaning the dishes let my mind relax in something familiar, something rote. 

And I heard this song.

(I chose this video because it had the lyrics as well, you can see the official music video here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzGAYNKDyIU&feature=related)

Thank God He redeems us from whatever our past holds - and that once that redemption comes He continues to work His love through us.

I don't want to be the same as I was, I don't want to stay the same that I am.  I want to grow in grace and mercy, to learn to show more love, more patience, and to be a quieter person (hopefully before my children hit their truly loud, dramatic age).

Thank God for the dishes, for the mundane that allowed my mind the freedom to wander, and to hear his message and love through this song.  I hope it speaks to you as well.

Luke 3 Genealogy

I've been listening to the Bible as I do my daily paper route.  I have the YouVersion app on my iPhone and I really like it.

A couple of weeks ago I heard Luke 3, Jesus's genealogy.  It goes all the way back to Adam, son of God.

Adam - son. of. God.

Jesus - son. of. God.

I was so awed by this.  I wish I could fully explain it.  But how awesome is it that?  Jesus - son of God, one part of the Holy Trinity. Adam, first man, also considered a son of God.

We are children of God - and Jesus shares that with us.

Listen to it sometime.  There is something about hearing the word of God read straight through that just intensifies it's power.

The Promises of Psalm 37

So how are you doing with the To Do's and To Don'ts?  I'll be honest, it might be a lifelong work to learn "do not fret" fully.

However, I thought I'd give us a few promises from Psalm 37 for encouragement:

Psalm 37:18, 19, 23-26, 37, 39-40

• The blameless spend their days in the Lord's care....
• In times of disaster they will not whither; in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
• The lord makes firm the steps of those who delight in him; though they stumble, they will not fall, for the Lord upholds them with His hand.
• I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread. They are always generous and lend freely; their children will be a blessing.
• A future awaits those who seek peace....
• The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord; he is their stronghold in time of trouble. The Lord helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in Him.

I think they can speak for themselves.