I had one of those Monday afternoon.
Growing up, I was pretty shy. I mean, once I made friends I was bossy and outspoken, but I really didn't like being shoved into new situations, I hated talking in front of class (in fact, I wrote extra papers in college in order to NOT have to do oral reports), and I never really felt like I fit in. I was constantly trying to win people's approval in order to just be normal, if not cool. I sought advice, second guessing almost every decision I made.
And I realized Monday I've been hiding behind that shy, un-confident, 16 year old demeanor for a long, long time. (Ok, a long time, I'm not that old, yet). It has caused me to miss fun opportunities, and has caused stress at past jobs, because I didn't trust my confidence.
I realized 3 things on Monday, that have caused me to step away from a few areas that were, quite frankly, not improving anything in my life, and step towards some that ARE improving my life.
- I am a good mother. I am raising (with the help of the wonderful Mr. Curly) healthy, intelligent, inquisitive, funny, responsible, respectful kids. They are awesome, and doing just fine with me relying on God and my instinct to guide them.
Do we still have our struggles? Yes. Are there still frizzy times when I have no idea what to do with them? Yes. But God's grace and mercy pours over us daily, and I can confidently say at the end of (most) days, that I am a good mother, without the input of too many other people.
- I am a good wife. Mr. Curly enjoys time with me, we like to laugh together, to experience new and old things together. I keep his house (comparatively) clean, I put food on the table. I support my husband and pray for him. I encourage him as often as possible. I am trying to be a more silent listening ear (I do have the tendency to tell him how to fix the problems he shares, I'm working on it). I love my husband to the best of my ability, and while I may falter, I am striving to be the spouse and supporting partner I've been given the opportunity to be.
- I am a good person/Christian. I wasn't sure how to phrase this one. I am by no means perfect. I stumble almost daily, I fall into nasty attitudes and judgemental phases often. But I know God. I know His love for me, I love Him, and that relationship is growing every day. And I am confident enough in that relationship to know that when I mess up, God's going to tell me about it, because He loves me. And it doesn't really matter what other people think about how I dress, how I eat, how I raise my kids, as long as I'm following God's instruction for my life.
After Monday afternoon, I felt so delightfully UN-frizzy, untangled, clear and smooth and could see the path ahead of me.
I do not have to be that mousy, scared, little teenager anymore. I don't have to be that worried, nervous employee. I am a wife, a mother, a leader in my church, involved in my community, and have close friends on whom I can depend on as a safe source on those days when my human nature gets the better of me.
Yes, frizzy times will come. Yes, I will probably still second guess myself at times.
But now, now I know, I am ok. I am confident that I am on the right path, doing the right thing, following My God, and teaching my children to follow Him as well.
And I pray the knowledge sticks with me this time!