Why I Follow....

My best friend since I was 8, Miss CD, challenged me via Facebook (so this will be shared there as well), to explain why I love Jesus.

It could be very simple - pastor's daughter, pastor's wife, grew up in the church.....
But that's kind of the easy way out.
So hold on, because this will be a bit of a read.  Got your coffee (or, you know, pepsi)? Ok, let's go.

First, to really understand why someone follows Jesus, why they love God the way they do, you have to understand where they come from.

I'm kind of controlling. I like to make sure things are done just a certain way, the way I want it done. And so that makes me a tiny bit of a perfectionist, but not really, because I don't always care enough to make everything perfect (confused yet? So am I). Controlling. Check.
And I really want everyone to like what I do and approve of me and be amazed by the events I plan. Needy. Check.
And my family is the most important thing in my life. If I let them down, I've let everyone down.  I need their love and affection, I need to support them (so that someone needs me), and I need to make sure things are done just right just for them. Which means if I feel like I've failed, that I've disappointing them, well, that's pretty much the depths of failure right there. Disappointing my family (especially my dad and husband).
Loyal and hovering and scared of failure? Check, check, check.

Mr. Curly recently informed me my life was ruled by fear.  Yep, fear that I will fail and disappoint him.  Fear that I won't be a good enough wife, a good enough mom, a good enough help mate or church worker or supporter.....

I read a sign once that said "Anxiety (or depression or a nervous break down or something like that) isn't a sign of being too weak, but rather having been strong too long."
I get that. I get being to the point where you're stretched too thin that you just can't take one more single thing.

A year ago I started taking celexa for anxiety and panic attacks.  I was having panic attacks at absolutely random and increasingly frequent times. Putting my kids to bed? Panic attack. Traffic jam on a trip? Panic attack. Crowded restaurant? Panic attack. Walking through Walmart? Panic attack.
Mr. Curly figured out pretty quick that giving me a little bit of control (letting me drive through the traffic jam, pass out the food in a crowded place or just make a decision without asking anyone) could at least slow down the descent into hyperventilation.
But then it got to where it physically hurt to hug my kids. And I was sad all the time.  Just blah. Just no desire to even try because I was going to fail. I couldn't control all the stressful things around me, so why even try? And why was everybody wanting to talk so loud and touch me all the time?!?!
So I went and saw my doctor and got a little pill.

Things got better pretty fast. (For those who care, I'm now on a 'weaning off the pill' regime, we'll see how it goes).

But that is me. Controlling, anxious, needy, dependent on family, and yeah, sometimes my sense of humor can lean towards the stupid (but that's not such a bad thing).

I've always known Jesus. I don't remember being saved, I just always followed Jesus. I do remember at 17 realizing that I had to have my own personal relationship with Christ, that I needed to say it, that I needed to make it real, and not rely on my parents faith anymore.
It was a huge step, even for a goody-two-shoes who had always known Christ.

I've made mistakes. Too many to count. I made some big ones this morning.
I've blamed God for things that were my fault. I've doubted He knew what He was doing.
I've hurt people.

But Jesus loves me anyway.
He gives me peace when I seek Him.
He gives me chances to try again, instead of saying "Sorry, you've messed up too much, just let me do it."
In fact, when I ask for forgiveness for stumbling in sin, He forgets it ever happened.
You can disappoint God, I've done it. But when I confess, He forgets it. Clean slate, new chance. No more disappointment, or anything to live down.

Starting at age 17 my favorite verse has been 1 Kings 3:9 "Give your servant a discerning heart... to distinguish between right and wrong."
For the past year I've been memorizing, and teaching my children, Philippians 4:4-9
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: rejoice. Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, bring your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Life is not easy. Christ came to bring us life more abundant - as I've said before, higher highs, lower lows.  Life gets pretty low sometime. I know. I've been there. In fact, this morning was a pretty low point and I'm not out of it yet. But I know that no matter how low I go, Jesus has been in the depths of hell and has risen to the heights of heaven. He has conquered all. And if He is with me in the depths, He will raise me up to the heights.
I ran across this verse this morning, Haggai: 2:4-5 (condensed, which means, I cut some out): Be strong, all you people of the land,' declares the Lord, 'and work. For I am with you,' declares the Lord Almighty. 'My Spirit remains among you. Do not fear.'

God is always with me. Always. Period. There is no time when He is not here, not waiting for me to turn to Him. I have no reason to worry, to be anxious. The anxiety I face is a chemical imbalance that needs some help. It's a body thing. But in my spirit, in my soul, I can rest calmly in God's hands, knowing no matter what I do, He forgives, He forgets. He loves.

And that's why I love Him.

It's now or never....tomorrow will be too late

I learned a little lesson about delayed gratification over Thanksgiving break,

I had been saving since June for an ipad. But Black Friday deals convinced me to buy a laptop and use my Apple card for a new phone instead.  Through one thing and another, I ended up with a tablet (which I adore!!).

BUT, I still don't have a new iphone.  Because in order to get the promotional price, I have to be ready for an upgrade, which, won't happen until my birthday this summer.

Yep.  In order to get my "free" phone (because my gift card will just cover the promotional price, and Mr. Curly somehow worked a deal for it in the first place), I have to wait, more, again.

I have to say, I was pretty bummed about it.  But I had just spent my money on a tablet.  And I had only planned on getting one new tech toy - an ipad.  So really, it was ok that I have to wait for my new iphone.  Its okay that I only got what I was saving for.

And this summer, when I not only get a birthday gift, but also a new phone - well, that's going to be awesome!!!

I was watching "Love It or List It" today and one of the couples said "If we can't get what we want right now, lets just go buy something new."

Wow.  Really?  These people were dropping $60,000 on a remodel for a house that they weren't even sure they wanted, for a house they'd rather replace with something new, right now, before the remodel was even completed.

Delayed gratification is not an easy thing.  There have been many times when I've put a purchase on a credit card because I just plain didn't want to wait.  Most the time, I've regretted it when the credit card bill came in!

I have to remind myself, and I have to teach my children, that while Elvis is a legend, he was not always right.  It isn't now or never, tomorrow won't be too late.  Some things are worth waiting for.  And while that may mean keeping a iphone 3GS for another 6 months, or living in a house that is less than perfect while you remodel, in the end, I think it will be worth it.

Post Title from Elvis "It's Now or Never"

And while I'm at delaying gratification, there are only 15 days 'til Christmas!!

Christmas Time Is Here!

Actually, Christmas is here!
This year has been one of growth and discovery and new traditions and reworking old ones.... all since Thanksgiving!

As a child, I LOVED Christmas Eve.  I'd sleep in, play all day, watch Christmas movies, anticipate all the yummy food and great gifts I'd get the next day....

I never gave one thought to what my mom was doing that day.

And pretty much since Mr. Curly and I have been married, we've been with family on Christmas Eve, NOT at our house, so I still haven't had to really change my idea that Christmas Eve was anything but a fun day.

Until yesterday.  While the Curly Kids played (with gifts they had received from the lovely church who blessed us this year), and watched Christmas movies and begged for candy and cookies, I cleaned.  And cleaned.  And cleaned.  And packed (because we are seeing family this year, just not today). 

And baked.  I made cheesecake!  I still don't know how it turned out, we'll find that out later this afternoon.  For my first cheesecake I attempted pecan pie cheesecake.  It overflowed in the oven, it cracked, but smelled good, so we'll see.

Anyway, Christmas Eve was a work day.  But so far, it has been completely worth it.  Today has been wonderful.  And will continue to be wonderful.

And I'll write more later.

Merry Christmas!!!

Remnants of my teenage rebellion

While getting Curly Boy dressed the other day, he looked at me and said "I love your ring, Mommy."  I thought he meant my wedding ring and replied "Thank you, your daddy bought it for me."  Then he says "The one in your ear."
"Oh, you like my earrings?  Thank you!"
We get the shirt over his head and he says "You're missing one."  He's looking from ear to ear.  "This ear is missing one."  He says again.
So I explain - No, it's supposed to be this way.  I don't have 4, just 3, two in my left ear, one in my right.

Once he runs off to play, I go to Mr. Curly, who had been at the breakfast table and heard the whole conversation and say "I never thought I'd have to explain that to my kids.  Don't they get that I grew up in the '90s when this was cool?"

Which is not entirely true.
I actually didn't get the third piercing until 2001, the year I turned 19, after my first year of college.

I had to drive my dad to our dentist, 3 hours away from our home, and while he was at the dentist, I went to the mall and had them add one piercing to my left ear. 

I had read a book in my early teenage years where a girl had her ears pierced like this, and always thought it was cool.  And at the time it was done, I didn't know anybody else who had done it - it made me feel unique!

My father wasn't too happy, he had told me not to pierce my ears again (he didn't like the first set) and I responded that I hadn't pierced my ears, I had pierced AN ear.  (And really, at 19, is this rebellion?  I always was a good-two-shoes!)

When I explained this to Mr. Curly he laughed, because he had never noticed I didn't have that piercing when he first met me.  A few months after I added this one, we started dating, and for all he knew, I had always had lopsided ears.  To his credit, when I very first met him, I generally had a fake loop (one of those made to make it look like you had a lip-ring) in the exact place I got my ear pierced.

I've explained to many many people over the years that, no, I didn't lose an earring, I did this on purpose.
And I'm still glad I did.

For awhile, the piercing just held a loop, then, for many ears, I wore an earring from my wedding in it.
After Curly Boy was born however, I asked for a mother's earring.  I'm not much of a ring person (I generally just wear my wedding ring, and sometimes a ring that my dad brought me from Guatemala), but I always have earrings in - especially in this third hole.  In fact, I'll leave an earring in there, even while I don't have earrings in the others.
Anyway, back to the mother's earring - Mr. Curly went and bought the metal for the hoop, some separating beads, a set of sapphire beads (Curly Girl's birthstone) and a set of clear beads (to represent Curly Boy's diamond birthstone) and created a Mother's Earring for me.

I ADORE it.  When Curly Baby was born the day after Curly Boy's birthday, I dug out the remaining beads and added one for him.

Some day I'd like to have one with real stones in it, but as we always say around our Curly Household - I'm the reason we don't have nice things.

Don't ask how many nice earrings I've lost, watches I've ruined, pretty expensive knickknacks that have been broken because of me - the saying makes sense.

So there we go, my kids have reached an age where I now have to explain the choices I made as a teenager.  Life is going to be interesting.

Preschool Musical, Preschool Mus-i-CAAAALLLL

Have you seen Preschool Musical on Sesame Street? It is too awesome, I love it.



We may not be doing musicals here, but we are using this week to re-organize our chores, create some new reward charts for the kids to help teach them responsibility (we may even be starting an allowance for the older two along with savings accounts), and set up lesson plans for school!

Yep, starting August 2, Curly Girl and I will start the grand adventure of homeschool preschool. My mom brought me a huge tub of things she used as a pre-k teacher, and combining that with a Mead Preschool Workbook and http://www.starfall.com/ we will be learning letters, numbers, shapes, colors, rhymes, recoginition, and all sorts of things.

So keep your eyes open for new charts to show up in the "pages" section. And I'll be posting weekly on our plans, what we learned, what worked and what didn't.

I'm just a writer.... I only have words.

My brother will tell you that I wrote about 10 stories a day growing up. When I read back on all the writing I did, I think I actually re-wrote one story about twice a week. I'm not impressed with my originality, though I am impressed with my volume.

I've always loved writing. I've always wanted to write a novel, or a biography, or SOMETHING that could be published and people would read and enjoy. This blog is the closest I've ever gotten to that.

And then, one of the blogs I follow (The Penultimate Word) posted about short, tiny little stories inspired by Ernest Hemingway. Called "Hint Fiction" they are 25 words or less and yet a complete story.

See the entire post on Hint Fiction here.

I'm going to try my hand at these.
They may not be publishable, but they will be challenging. I think they will force me to grow as a writer, jump start something more original than I've ever written before, and maybe even lead to something that could actually be published.


Post title from Alex & Emma

A, B, C, it's easy as 1,2,3....

Have you ever thought about how you learn before? Mr. Curly and I used to have the conversation in college. I learn through reading and listening, I don't need to see it and I don't need to touch it. Unless it's a car or wood working project, then I need to see it. But otherwise, talk to me or let me read a book. Mr. Curly is very much a tactile learner. He wants to touch it, take it apart, put it back together, look at it from all angles. He likes pictures and just plain words are not a fun way for him to learn (can you imagine the struggle he had in seminary?)

I haven't really thought about it since then, until a couple of months ago during a Saturday lunch. Most Saturdays, the Curly household gathers on the couch for lunch to enjoy a bit of TV and a sandwhich. It's a nice break from the table.

This particular Saturday, we were watching a documentary on rockets. During one segment, there was a man in an empty room talking about the cameras they put on rockets and spaceships to get film footage. Curly Girl was quiet during the segment, then during the commerical says "They put cameras on the planes. To take pictures when the planes go REAL HIGH!"

Mr. Curly and I could hardly respond. We had no idea she was following what the man was saying. I mean, there were no brightly colored puppets acting it out!
But I watched Curly Girl after that, and thought about how she had learned in the past.

Curly Girl is cautious. She doesn't do much without seeing someone else do it first, or thinking carefully about how it will work. It has been a struggle to get her to attempt new things (balance beams, slides, trampolines, walking....) Usually though, after she has thought about it, and maybe watched someone, or we've had a discussion, she tries something new. And if she gets it, then she wants to do it again and again and again.
She loves to read and look at books, and she's a talker. I can explain what we're going to do, without showing her, and she gets it.
I think she learns a lot like me.

Curly Boy, well, he learns like his daddy. I can't figure out yet if it is his age, or that he's a boy. He doesn't put things in his mouth (hasn't since about the time we introduced sippy cups and straws), but he has to touch everything! And it's not enough for me to say "That square won't fit in a round hole" he has to try it himself. And become frustrated when it doesn't fit. The look of surprise on his face when it doesn't work is priceless. Or, he does get something too big through, and then he works to get it out. And he will work at something until he can figure it out, and then claps because he is SO SMART!!

I'm proud of that. I'm proud of his ability to work until he can figure something out.
I'm equally proud of Curly Girl's ability to think something through until she is certain it will or will not work and then act.
There is merit in both.

Now I just have to figure out how to teach a tactile learner, because teaching a child who learns through reading and listening is easy for me, but tactile.... well, that will take some research.