"If you're going to be here, then BE HERE!!" I remember yelling at Mr. Curly after a particularly horrible evening.
He had come home late, brought his computer. I fixed supper, got it all on the table, and then got up every 2 minutes to get something else, to refill milk cups, to find napkins, to help cut up food.... I really don't remember eating. And then after supper I cleared everything off the table (with help from the kids who are lovely about putting their plates in the sink). I cleaned up the kitchen mess. I halted Curly Boy 2's diaper change (this shows you how long ago it was) right in the middle to get Curly Boy to the toilet on time, while Curly Girl followed me around with dress up clothes needing help. All evening all three kids needed ME and ME only ALL at the same time. I bathed the kids, helped them all dress, helped them all brush their teeth, read books, tucked them in. Found water cups, re-tucked them in. Found bears, re-tucked them in. Finally got the dishes done (with interruptions from children who didn't want to sleep.).
All while Mr. Curly sat in his recliner, laptop open, ear buds in.
I was exhausted. And furious. And I took it out on my husband. And right before I stomped out of the living room to cry on our bed I yelled "You can't just sit on your butt all night playing games on your computer while I do everything. I need help! The kids need you! If you're going to come home and 'be here' then BE HERE!!!"
I was completely exhausted and irrational. Mr. Curly is a wonderful father, actively involved in our kids lives, always willing to step away from the office when I need help. But he had been particularly busy that week, with a large class to teach, and a new sermon series, and he had brought work home.
That was over a year ago.
I realized this past..... we'll say month, that I've been doing the exact same thing to Mr. Curly and his ministry here, and to God.
I grew up a pastor's kid. We moved 5 times in the 20 years I was living at home.
I married Mr. Curly never expecting to stay in one place all that long. When we moved to SD, Mr. Curly had a 15 year plan. I couldn't foresee us being there more than 5 years. We moved in 3 years.
So we came here to IA and I LOVE my town. We have friends and a nice church. It's the perfect size town to raise a family in. I really, really don't want to leave it.
But my attic full of boxes says differently.
My reticence to put down roots says differently.
My lack of embracing a ministry at my church says differently.
I've been here, physically. I've taken advantage of the comforts (fun days out with kids, convenience of shopping, safety of town), without giving anything back. Without helping in the messy stuff (ministry, volunteering, reaching out, etc.)
If I'm going to be here, then I need to BE HERE. And God has been telling me, and Mr. Curly that, loud and clear.
And things are going to change.