Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Here I Am... waiting

1 Samuel 3:1-11a
The boy Samuel ministered before the Lord under Eli. In those days the word of the Lord was rare; there were not many visions.
One night Eli, whose eyes were becoming so weak that he could barely see, was lying down in his usual place. The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the house of the Lord, where the ark of God was. Then the Lord called Samuel.
Samuel answered, “Here I am. And he ran to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.”
But Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.” So he went and lay down.

Again the Lord called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.”
“My son,” Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.”

Now Samuel did not yet know the Lord: The word of the Lord had not yet been revealed to him.

A third time the Lord called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.”
Then Eli realized that the Lord was calling the boy.  So Eli told Samuel, “Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, ‘Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.’” So Samuel went and lay down in his place.

The Lord came and stood there, calling as at the other times, “Samuel! Samuel!
Then Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.”

And the Lord said to Samuel....

Do you ever feel like you're missing something?  That no matter how hard you pray and listen and seek, you never do hear God's voice?

You are not alone.  I have felt like that most my life.  Maybe it just has to do with having a father and then husband called to be pastors.  I've grown up in the church hearing testimonies of "And I heard God speaking to me...."
I just don't hear that.  It feels as if I pray and pray and pray..... and nothing.  I don't feel as if an answer ever comes, I usually just give up and move on and hope I haven't missed the chance of a lifetime. (Some people would say this is God saying no.  And I am fine with God saying no.  Sometimes. Honestly, sometimes I'm ok with that.  But in all honestly, I am NOT ok with a no answer all the time.  And every once in awhile, I'd like a clear no rather than just getting no answer at all.)

Lately my prayers have turned to what my ministry in life needs to be.  Don't get me wrong, I am very happy to stay at home with my Curly Kids, I recognize that immense blessing that God has given us in my ability to be at home. I do not want to discount that in any way.

But lately, I've just felt as if something is missing.  I have some great goals set for this year, and I know those will grow me in ways that will help in the day-to-day raising of my children and managing of my home.  And I know those are very important things, as I stated last Wednesday, it is VERY important to me to raise my children to know our loving and personal God.

But.... there is so much need - and what am I doing besides laundry, dishes, housework, cooking, and teaching/playing with my kids?

A couple of ministries have been brought to my attention, needs to be met in our community, positions to be filled.  But they are big jobs not to be taken on lightly - jobs that I don't want to start and then discover I am completely the wrong person for them.  And so I pray, and....

And I'm trying to have an open heart and mind like the little Samuel.  A faith big enough to merely say "Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening."

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