Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Nostalgia Brings Awareness

I've been struggling lately.

A couple of weeks ago, I hit a real low.  I hate to say depression, depression is such a serious thing, and I hate to throw that term around lightly.  But I couldn't see a whole lot of good in life. 
Now matter how much I desperately searched for light there was none to be found in the darkness I felt within.  I was sad, angry, joyless, hopeless....

And I HATED myself for being that way!

My head knew God loves me, my head remembered all I had been taught about a loving, caring God.
My kids love me, my husband was trying his best to help the crying, angry mess that just days before had been his happy wife.

There are a lot of things to say here, too much to really keep into a single post.

But I will say this.

Saturday night, as I looked up early '90s music on youtube (because you know, Mr. Curly was busy writing a sermon and I was wasting time until I could go to bed) I found Newsboys song "When You Called My Name" from their Going Public album (one of their ABSOLUTE BEST by the way).

And it hit me.  I was really struggling with a calling.  I never wanted to be a pastor's wife.  I knew what pastoral life meant and I did NOT want it for me, or my children, or my husband.  And yet here we are.
I had read some books trying to deal with being a pastor's wife.  They were good, but nothing really hit the nail on the head.

But this old old Newsboys song got it. 

This calling is not what I expected.  And I'm not really sure I'm big enough to take it on.  I'm not even entirely sure what the calling is yet (sad considering my age and stage in life), but whatever it is, it scares me.

But I can already see some light.  And I know God knows me, He knows my struggles and my imperfections, and only asks that I keep trying.

You can read the lyrics here.

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