There was a song that came out when I was in high school that I just absolutely fell in love with. Mr. Curly was never a big fan, because the main chorus says "We fall down, we get up, we fall down, we get up, we fall down, we get up...." (of course it ends with 'and the saints are just the sinners who fell down and got up", but of course, that isn't the part that gets stuck in your head. (hear Bob Carlisle sing it here)
But lately, I just fall down.
Lately, I've been struggling. Specifically struggling with having a servant's heart. Not at church, I'm more than happy to help there. Not at my kids's schools. Not with my friends. Not in giving.
But with my kids. With my own kids at home. With my kids it has become harder and harder every single day to get up with a smile, to help them get ready for the day without losing patience, to sit and play with them throughout the afternoon without my eyes wandering to the messes, or my brain making lists of things I'd rather be doing, or should rather be doing.
Mr. Curly thinks it stems from how our children view me. He feels they view me as 'the help' not as their mom. I'm just the lady here to do everything for them, so respect levels are low and I spend my entire day doing one thing or another for them without a moments peace.
I'm sure every mother has had those days when all 300 of her kids are yelling her name at once. 100 want to play games, while 100 others need help in the bathroom RIGHT NOW, while the last 100 just simply won't open their eyes enough to see that the shoes or milk or whatever they're looking for is right in front of them.
I wish it was just a certain time of day. I wish it was only certain days.
But its not. It is every single day, every single hour, every single minute.
And I just want a break. I just want silence. I want 24 hours where I don't have to refill plates before I've had a bite of my own food, or share my food, or get more milk, or find more snacks, socks, shoes, bags, coats, puzzle pieces, or run to the bathroom 5 seconds after I finally set down to get the budget and my business logs caught up.
I'm struggling with that servant attitude towards my children. I am not 'the help.' I'm their mother, who needs to teach them responsibility and independence, and I believe I am doing that. But at 6, 4, and 2, there are things they still need an adult for and the only adult they see capable of helping is me. Not their daddy or anyone else.
If I leave the house for more than 10 minutes, I'm completely swamped with a million things the kids need the minute I walk back in the door - things they apparently didn't need while Mr. Curly was there, but now can't wait.
And it leaves me running all day, with very little servant attitude left for my husband or anyone else. It's beginning to make the nursery duty at church a chore because I will again be the only adult around to help Not Curly with absolutely everything. My house is getting more and more messy because whenever I do get a moment's break, the last thing I want to do is work more.
I've fallen down, and I can't seem to get back up (cue cheesy commercial here).