Today I turn another year older.
Now, I'm not old by anybody's standards (not even a 3 year old's), but I am one of those people who has that magic scary age. Remember the scene in When Harry Met Sally where Sally sits on the bed, crying about how someday she'll be 40? "It's just sitting there, waiting for me!"
My crying age is 30. Always has been. And today, I get one year closer to that "old" age of 30 that terrifies me for unknown reasons.
And today, I still have questions. Questions I've always felt should be answered earlier in life. Questions like:
Will I ever do anything the world notices?
What do I want to be when I grow up?
If I could live anywhere, where would it be?
What type of wife/mother will I be remembered as?
Listening to old college CDs the other day, Mr. Curly and I heard John Mayer's No Such Thing and I realized, I've passed my 10 year high school reunion, and I still haven't done anything that I would want to take to that reunion, stand on a table and yell "Look at me!"
It made me feel rather sad.
I used to have these great dreams of working through a history masters and writing a revolutionary history book, but that has been set to the side time and time again for multiple reasons.
I used to want a job that changed the world and the people around me, but now I'm not even working.
Now I spend my days trying to get my three year old to recognize the difference between a lower case "a" and a lower case "o" and to eat something besides peanut butter and honey. I spend my days discussing the idea of being potty-trained and building towers with my two year old. I spend my days making funny faces at my two month old and wiping baby spit off my shoulders.
And most days, I am extremely satisfied with that. I don't always feel like I'm reaching the goals I've set for myself as wife, mother and homemaker, but I love my family and the love they show me in return makes up for unmet goals. I have wonderful, funny, polite, imaginative, loving children who I wouldn't trade for the greatest masters thesis in the world. I have a marvelous, loving, patient, kind, strong husband that makes anywhere we are living the greatest place to be.
So most days, the dreams and goals I used to have can be pushed away without regret.
And maybe, that's the issue. Maybe that's the real question. Maybe I should stop trying to answer questions I had in high school and college, and come up with some new questions, some new goals and challenges to fit the life I have now, instead of the life I had made up in my head.